Mental Illness
From when I was 22 until I filed for divorce at 31 I lived with someone suffering will mental illness. All of it stemmed from her childhood, and none of it was something I was prepared for or equipped to deal with.
There were two lessons that I learned during this period of time:
There is a big difference between a crisis and illness. You can help someone get through a crisis, you cannot help someone with mental illness. When you recognize it, the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as possible. This part is hard if you’ve never encountered true mental illness (and if we’ve done our jobs as your parents you won’t) because nothing will make sense to you and you’ll want to help.
It’s not your job to make other people happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do things for the people you love, you absolutely should. The difference is if you’re ever in a situation where you’re bending over backwards or giving up parts of yourself to do so GET OUT.
For years after the divorce I asked myself if I traveled back in time could I have talked myself out of the relationship - I really don’t think I could have. Partly because I wasn’t equipped from my childhood to know what a functional relationship was. Partly because I was stubborn and didn’t want to accept what I already knew.
It took me a decade before I was able to get out of that relationship, and many many more years to understand and somewhat heal from it. My goal is for you two to love yourselves enough to recognize and protect yourselves if you ever fall into a similar situation.
Love you both, Dad