Advice for New Dads
Boys,
A few friends are about to have their first baby and have asked for advice. I figured I would organize what I’ve shared in the past now while I still had a chance of remembering.
- Pack a small bag with matching athleasure sweatsuit, t-shirts, and underwear. You want a fully zippered hoodie to make skin-to-skin contact easiest when you’re holding your baby. You’re also going to be sleeping in it for 1-2 nights so invest in comfort.
- The ups and downs of activity in the hospital are extreme. When it’s time to go, checking in and getting assigned a room will be busy, then you’ll be left all alone, then when the time is close it feels like everyone is there, then it feels like it’s taking forever, then all of a sudden a baby is there, then they take you to your room and it’s just you again, except now there’s this tiny thing with you you’re responsible for.
- Your mom tried to deliver without strong drugs (better for the baby). The problem is it takes a long time to a) get the anesthesiologist in the room, and b) for the epidural to kick in. Don’t wait until it’s an emergency, try to plan ahead. If your wife wants to do the same, it’s better for you to have the anesthesiologist show up and her say no, than for her to be in pain asking for an epidural.
- The hospital is the first time you really need to advocate for and protect your family. If your baby is sleeping and someone walks in to do a test, tell them to come back. They might protest but I promise whatever it is will wait and they’ll come back. Don’t assume that things are being taken care of, it’s your job to pay attention, ask questions (and keep asking until you understand), and monitor that care is being given.
- Being present for a baby being born is both the most beautiful thing I’ve been privileged to witness, and at the same time probably the most primitive. In a way everyone present is there just to help nature take its course. Your job is to be there for your wife. She won’t know what she needs (it’s her first time) and that’s okay. This is the last moments that life is just the two of you. Focus on her and make sure she knows you’re there for her.
- Grandparents try to help, but it’s been decades since they’ve taken care of a baby. Personalities and opinions can feel like minefields. Wherever possible you can chime in with, “this is what we’ve decided” and help steer the ship.
- I only heard about the 4th trimester in passing and it’s still annoying how much its brushed under the rug. This is something I’ve gotten in trouble for discussing with pregnant women before delivery (personally I thought it was gatekeeping, but your Mom finally told me not to freak out women, they’ve got enough on their plate). Here’s the deal. Pregnancy is hard in ways we’ll never understand. Recovering from that would be hard enough, but then there’s the delivery which is equally if not more physically and emotionally taxing. And to top it all off, you’ve got a baby to take care of at the same time! Just know it’s going to take your wife 2-3 months for the initial recovery, and up to a year to be fully there.
- Night nurses are both expensive and well worth it. I fought your Mom about the expense the first time and I was wrong. Our nurse took care of your Mom in ways I didn’t even understand. She also taught us how to take care of a baby. Feeding, burping, diapers, baths, swaddling, etc… Things that you “learn” in the class beforehand but don’t. There’s something about spending so much time with someone who’s literal job is taking care of postpartum Mothers and brand new babies that is exactly what you need.
- All babies lose weight. Your baby will lose weight. The doctor will make a point about it with you implying that something is wrong, or that you’re doing something wrong. You’re not. Feed them when they’re hungry. Burp. Diaper. Sleep. Repeat.
- Babies sleep longer when they’re bigger (and can hold more food). About 10 lbs was the magic line for us. All of a sudden sleep just lasted longer and everything got a little easier. You’ll think something is wrong, it’s not, you’ve just crossed the first big milestone.
- Cluster feeding is a thing. It’s scary the first time it happens because you can’t figure out what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong they just want more food. Babies need one of four things: food, burp, diaper, sleep. When in doubt just go back to the top and repeat everything.
- Breast milk is great for babies to eat. But what’s even better is being full and formula is great for that. Using formula isn’t failure, it’s a tool in your tool belt that should be used when you need it.
- You are going to be the #2 expert on your kid. Your wife is #1. Mother’s intuition, combined with nature (she’s attuned in ways you’re not), and her spending more time than you has you outclassed. There will be multiple times when she’s going to say something and you’ll be convinced she’s imagining, overreacting, etc… You’re wrong. She’s right.
- I don’t remember the exact timeline, but it takes a while for babies vision and brains to develop. They’re going to know and be comforted by your smell and sound. Then one day you’re going to look down and see them really looking at you with big beautiful eyes. There’s nothing like it in the world.
Probably the best thing I was told was “you grow up together” and it really has been true. Things that were overwhelming in the moment, or felt like too much in the future you make it through together.
I had so much fun with you, and miss you both as babies, and toddlers, and little kids. And I’m having so much fun with you every day as big kids, and I know tween and teenagers are right around the corner.
The day’s are long and the years are short doesn’t make sense until you have kids and can look back a few years. In the moment it can feel so hard, but just like my friend told me, and I’ve told others, just remember it gets better, you’ll get through it.
Love you both,
Dad
PS. Being a good parent is making hard choices now, for an easier time later. PPS. It’s the best adventure. Take lots of pictures and enjoy it!